Survey Says...

What you can find about Jenny Chalek if you send her one of those chain-email surveys...

(Taken from an ACTUAL email, kids! Feel free to use the premise with your own friends and family for your entertainment.)

OK, here's what you're supposed to do. DON'T spoil the fun. Copy (don't forward) this entire e-mail and paste it onto a new e-mail that you will send. Change all of the answers so they apply to you. Then, send this to a whole bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person who sent it to you.

The theory is that we will learn a lot of little known facts about our friends. Remember to send it back to the person who sent it to you and have fun.

1. LIVING ARRANGEMENT: sprawled face down on the keyboard, in front of the computer with the tv blaring in the background; surrounded by a minefield of candy wrappers, unfiled papers and occasional crockery; and circled by meowing kitties.

2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Boooook. That's a funny word!

3. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Well, usually my mouse. Sometimes covered by my hand.

4. FAVORITE CARD GAME? Texas Hold 'Em!

5. FAVORITE MAGAZINE? Victoria's Secret Catalog. For the articles, of course.

6. FAVORITE SMELL? I don't know how to describe smells in words, but there are certain natural women's body lotions and perfumes that are subtle and floral and sweet and make me go weak in the knees with desire. They fill my head with imagery of magical horseback rides through enchanted woods with a raven-haired maiden toward a crystal grove surrounding a mermaid's pool guarded by mystical fairies. But as I offer my hand up to help milady down from her noble steed, and gaze into the moonlight reflecting from the deep pools of her wondrous eyes, the night is shattered by a haunting cry: "Ma'am, you're gonna have to either buy something or get out - The Body Shop is closing!"

7. FAVORITE SOUND? Hmmmm. I think this is getting a little too personal now.

8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? Nausea, stomach cramps, depression, or an ice pick in the eye. I don't think I could pick one over the other.

9. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK WHEN YOU WAKE UP? Can I go back to sleep?

10. FAVORITE COLORS? Purple and blue

11. HOW MANY RINGS DO YOU ALLOW BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? I try to get it before the third ring (and usually by the second ring), but I always check Caller ID first. I don't know why, though -- I'm too neurotic NOT to answer the phone even if I don't like who it IS. I think I do it so I can pretend to be psychic.

12. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME? Any particular future child? Are you implying I'm supposed to have one? MY theoretical future child's name would have to be, WhatAreYouDoingHere? since I don't foresee having any children.

13. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE? Love. Corny, huh?

14. FAVORITE FOODS? : Almost any recipe with pasta and/or tomato sauce in it.

15. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? Chocolate. Is that even a question?

16. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? Is this a joke? I am from Louisville, you know.

17. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? Do you have the negatives? If not, then I suggest you shut up.

18. STORMS - COOL OR SCARY? It really depends on which side of the flying cow you are on.

19. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE WHO WOULD IT BE? How about Jill Hennessy. Or maybe Marcia Cross. Hmmmm.

20. FAVORITE DRINK? Human Blood. No, wait. That was a typo (or should that be Type O?). I meant to say Chocolate Soymilk and Coca-Cola are my TWO favorite drinks.

21. WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN? Western Zodiac: Virgo. Chinese Zodiac: Monkey. Road Sign Zodiac: Slow Children at Play

22. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? The stems are the tastiest part!

23. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT BE? Comedian. Or Electric Donkey Bottom Wiper.

24. IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR WHAT WOULD IT BE? Red, baby.

25. EVER BEEN IN LOVE? Oh yeah.

26. IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL? Well, I'm afraid it's empty now, because I broke it.

27. FAVORITE MOVIE/S? Geez, how to narrow it down? I've Heard the Mermaids Singing; Housekeeping; The Chocolate War; Mulholland Drive; Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon; Queen Margot; Elizabeth; The Hours; Chutney Popcorn; Bound; Diabolique; Love and Death; Manhattan; Annie Hall; I know I'm leaving TONS of really good ones out but I just can't think... Of course, whether or not I consider a movie "good," I enjoy ANYTHING that features either Jill Hennessy, Patricia Arquette, Julianne Moore or Isabelle Adjani... even if it's a dramatic reading of a Campbell's Soup can recipe.

28. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? Only when I want to type the right letters.

29. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? Boxes of papers, random articles of dirty clothing that have escaped from the laundry basket, a couple of scuba diving weights, the occasional cat.

30. FAVORITE NUMBER? 9

31. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? Sumo, rugby, open martial arts sparring (but not "kickboxing" or "boxing" -- both of which bore me for some reason; I can't put my finger on the difference, but I think it has something to do with the missing layer of traditional "ritual" in the two latter).

32. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU: Gretchen doesn't have fleas, she's never killed anyone, and people who don't eat live rats are OK in my book! (Oops -- that was 3 things, wasn't it?)

33. IF YOU COULD BE ANY ANIMAL WHAT WOULD YOU BE? Did you mean other than human?

34. WHEN IS YOUR BIRTHDAY? September 12, 1968. And technically, shouldn't that be, "When WAS your birthday?"

35. HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED? How long have you been playing mind games? I mean really, is this a trick question? Or is it just designed to make single people feel REALLY socially deviant? (Or maybe it's just the whips and chains that are making me feel socially deviant.)

36. FAVORITE FLOWER? Lilac. Well, really I just like the way the name sounds. I'm not even sure if a lilac is the flower I'm picturing it to be.

37. OF ALL THE PEOPLE YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND: Based on last time I sent out a similar thing, umm, almost no one. But possibly Adam will again, because last time he used it as a writing exercise and got some good standup material out of it. But of course, I could be totally wrong.

38. PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND: Probably Gretchen, because she's already done it, and it would just be silly to do it again.